Monday, March 11, 2013

Ten Signs That The First Date Should Be The Last

1) He's undeniably prettier than you - Just walk away before someone else points it out, three months down the line, and you become bitter enough to throw imaginary knives at their foreheads and imagine all sorts of fruit that they resemble.

2) He weighs less than you - You want him to pick you up, not the other way around. There is nothing damsel-like about scooping a man off his feet. Is there?

3) He refers to his Mother at length - Presumably she's a nice lady... but we've all been subjected to Oedipus and Freud. Although we treat both with enough scepticism to flatten wild boar, there is still always the "what-if-Freud-was-right-all-along-complex" that Freud is working diligently on from beyond the grave. 

4) He spends more time arranging his hair than speaking - I don't care if it's a comb-over gone awry in the wind (well I probably do) or an intrinsically arranged Mohawk- leave it be! 

5) He speaks of his ex at length - This only ends one way, you and the ex both get emotionally beaten to a pulp and he tells some new-unsuspecting-girl about how both of you can't get over him. 

6) Any Mention of Marriage- It was hard enough being sensible enough not to order something you can't actually fit in your mouth (Despite the fact that a burger that size is probably exactly what you need to calm the nerves.), without having to also jokingly shut down the marriage and kids conversation. 

7) He forgets his wallet- I'm not saying he should pay for you - just maybe that he should at least pay for himself. A sugar-anything, you are not.

8)He hasn't showered in recent history - You know what you went through to get here: between tweezers, eye-liner and clothes that squeeze you. The least he can do is make sure you can't actually trace the movements of his last few days based on the debris on his clothing and beard. 

9)He asks for dating tips - It's probably not actually a date and you need to redefine what it is you consider a first date. It's best not to let on that you thought this was a date and perhaps make reference to some hotter date later in the evening... 

10) He quotes poetry endlessly at you - Just runaway now. Particularly if it's his own.

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