Thursday, February 13, 2014

The Thing I Dread MOST About Valentines Day

It's that time of year again. The time when I get phone calls and emails from all my adjusted-to-life friends to check in on me. I try not to be cynical and think they are calling because they know I am single and therefore assume I am lonely. I entertain the first few check-ins. But by the third or fourth email I feel like reassuring everyone that I haven't become some sort of sad mess buried in cats.
In fact I am still actively discouraging the advances from cat. Who sadly have seen me as something of a kindred spirit since birth. All that time spent reading alone in trees has turned me into a cat magnet.
I am actually starting to resent the assumption that I will spend Valentines night in my pyjamas, eating all my feelings and wondering if it would have been a better idea to go out and do what all well adjusted singles should apparently be doing.
Although I don't think there's anything particularly well adjusted about wandering around in tube-dresses looking for love and shaking like a sort of deformed Beyonce with no arse.
But none of this is the real reason I hate Valentines Day. Neither do I really mind my friends who have apparently reverted to five-year old versions of themselves, cooing over small teddy bears and chocolates.
These friends are irritating only because they used to construct intelligent opinions and voice them. Now they are having nights in and posting Facebook statuses about how lucky they are.
If I were a worse person I'd probably comment under these posts that flowers are possibly the least imaginative gift you could receive and were probably the result of a moment of panic in Tescos when your significant other saw all the Valentines offers and other men going a little berserk and grabbed, literally, the first thing with a heart-shaped price tag they could see.
 But this is still sadly not what I dread about Valentines. Neither are the ridiculous special offers that marketing people seem to think will seduce customers.
Neither am I particularly irritated by the ridiculous naked babies everywhere. These are quite enjoyable if you think about it.
Just imagine the poor parents that have to explain that to their children...
I will admit though that my friends do have good reason to worry about me. Sometimes I do spend a moment considering my options and that results in the following...
and a brief flash-back of the last frog that tried to take me out.
Still, after all this, I am fine. Actually Valentines barely bothers me at all, if it weren't for that one lasting horrible thing it seems to breed. It's everywhere...on signs, in cards, on letters, peoples jokes, on the radio and even facebook. There is no getting away from the curse of terrible love poetry.
So my friends are right. I probably will spend Valentines day in my pyjamas cowering from the world. But not for the reasons they think. Simply in a vain attempt to pretend that all the bad poetry isn't really happening.

1 comment:

  1. Seems apt to drop this.
    (Was on some hard core meds for a life threatening disease that had my head in a strange place)


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